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Thursday, August 27, 2015

A More Sincere Approach To Something.

It's been over two years since I had anything to do with this blog. I could make many excuses to justify this, but the reality is, I honestly felt I had run out of worthwhile things to say.
When I first created this blog it was with the intention of creating a witty persona--I wanted to be charming and impressive and comedic. I wanted everyone who read it to believe I was utterly delightful. But it didn't mean anything.
To be frank, I think maybe I've spent a large part of my life trying to create this idea of a person..a shell of what I wanted to be, shielding the reality of what I am.
That's not to say I don't believe I can be clever or amusing, I'll say I have my moments, but there's a big part of what and who I am that I try to keep unknown beneath those other qualities, and you know what, that's not fair to me, or to the people who know me, or to you.
Mark Twain once said, "When in doubt, tell the truth." So let's tell the truth, and I'll start.

An Honest Post Part 1:

I was raped when I was eighteen, and since then anyone who learns this about me makes it a part of their impression of me. They find me stronger or more sympathetic. And that's a great kindness, but not to be rude, it's not what I think it ought to be.
Because I'm not a victim. I'm a person.
I share it because, yes, it was an important experience in my life, but what I want understood is that, it was an experience, not an identity crisis. It was traumatic. Of course it was. But I'm not angry, I'm grateful.  I'm grateful because it could have been much worse, but wasn't. I'm grateful for the humility I learned in realizing I needed to ask for and accept help. I am grateful for the empathy and love I received, and the new love I could give back. I am grateful that it gave me a lesson in forgiveness I needed to struggle with. I learned that forgiving is a type of freedom. And though, I would never ask to go through it again, I may not have gotten the liberation I needed at that time in my life. I'm not angry with the individual responsible, I'm proud. The redemption process after such a misguided choice, I believe, must have been difficult in a way I can't really understand, and I know he struggled through it. Recently, he was married and sealed to the love of his life in an LDS temple, and I sincerely believe he has made good on his life and he deserves the happiness he has worked for. Some people are haunted by memories after experiencing something like I did, and for a long time, I was. I became frustrated that I couldn't get over it at the rate I believed I should be. That's something else I learned. A time limit doesn't heal. It took me four years to stop thinking about it, but now, I really don't. It doesn't affect or define any part of my daily life anymore. I'm better than fine. But I don't romanticize my recovery and I don't want anyone else to. I didn't instantly become stronger because I got over something so hurtful, and I certainly didn't become a "better person" because I survived such a thing. I'm just a person who survived. And that's all I want to be. A person.
I want therapists to stop focusing on that fact, and making my entire treatment about getting over something that I just wanna be done talking about.
I don't want that to be the  thing that people know about me, a thing that decides any part of their opinion of who I am. I'm a person. And I am so many other things than someone who was raped.
So let me use this blog now to talk about the things I'd rather people knew about me--I'd rather they judged me on. Here's what I am as just another person.

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