An Honest Post Part 4:
Of Heroes And Hospitals

I would usually apologize for my absence and offer explanation upfront before getting into the point, but actually for this post, that is the point. So I'll just do this.

A little over a month ago, I was hospitalized for self-harm during a suicidal episode. From the emergency room, I was cased by a social worker and admitted to the psychiatric ward. I was there for a week, and there's a lot I could and should explain to you about it, and in time, I will, but first I need to be grateful.
It's the season of Thanksgiving, and though it might seem like a rather depressing frame for a "100 Days of Gratitude" or whatever post, I think the point is to be observant and sincere, and this is what I  have seen and felt.

-I am grateful for the ER nurse who stayed back a second to tell me I mattered after meeting me barely moments before and without him knowing nothing about me except that I had carved into my arm with a piece of broken glass.
-I am grateful for the social worker who told me my biggest fault must be loving too big, and what a wonderful fault to have.
-I am grateful for my ward-mate Benny who chatted me through my anxiety about being stuck there alone and who paused at my room before he was released to his family to tell me he'd asked the nurse to turn on a movie for me because he wanted to see my smile before he left.
-I am grateful for my roommate Madi who loved me out loud.
 I think about her every day, and keep her notes nearby so I can re-read her kind words and remember her sass and sweetness, her personal hugs and her excellent coloring skills. My sweet Madi who made me laugh when I forgot how.
-For Vashti for showing me what bravery and humility look like. Who was pure kindness and let no one feel ashamed of anything.
-For old Malcolm, who called me "sweetheart" and almost beat me at Scrabble.
-For nurse Alicia who literally held me while I cried all slobbery all over her even though her day had gone so much worse than mine (her cherished dog of ten years had to be put down). And who brought me Tootsie Rolls after hearing they were my favorite.
-For nurse Maddy who let my visitors stay an hour longer than the designated curfew.
-For Kaley who was our "mental-ward-mother". Who supported us and worried with us and loved us.
-For Billy who played us songs and asked me to sing.
-For Carl who, even though he had to celebrate his birthday in the hospital, made the whole day about our little unit family having a good time.
-For Doctor Croft who made therapy realistic and restoring. Who was both my doctor and my friend.
-For Chelsea Francom who visited almost every day and always called if she couldn't. Who brought me treats and hugs, and constant affection. Who stayed and talked always. And Patrick Francom who came and always smiled, always hugged and never ever judged.
-For Rosemary and little Jake who still laughed at me when I was ridiculous.
-For Mary and Rachel who came and let me chat their faces off without flinching.
-For my brother Jon-Michael, sister-in-law Kira and nephew baby Lysander (Sir Squish) who called every day just to hang out with me from afar. Squish's giggles at my voice made me warm and contented.
-For Taka and Mishimmy for bringing sunshine to my whole unit.
-For Joseph and Erin for bringing me books and sharing puns and space-nerdiness.
-For Joe, who made sure I was safe.
-For my parents who always came and who were love and support embodied the whole time.
-For nurse Hilary who tried really really hard.
-For whoever made the carrot cake on Thursday--no walnuts, and I love you for it stranger.
-For Big Jake who called and told me cool stories from the road, let me feel far away diamond mining with him for a few minutes in a dream.
-For my unit-mates Jaime, Angela, Haley, the one who's name I still can't pronounce or spell, thank you for being friends with me, you didn't have to, but you did anyway. And that is the coolest thing.
-For Kris who called with love.
-For all my Misfit friends who never stop caring--even when they get nothing in return, they never stop helping.
-For my childhood BFFs LuSeba and Olivia, who have always made me a priority and who are endlessly loyal and infinitely kind.
-For my cat who forgives me. (yes, I just thanked a cat. Duh)
--For everyone who loves, who listens, who feels with me. You are priceless.
-For just everyone. You matter, you are loved. You belong.

There is things to explain further, I know, it will be addressed, but for now just know that as you read this, you are being loved in full capacity from all corners of the Universe, and that I am grateful you exist. You are my heroes, you everyday people, just living and being and feeling.
I love you.