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Tuesday, September 1, 2015

An Honest How To: Do As The Birds Do

So, as it turns out, life is hard. Shocker. And if you're anything like me, surviving it is all about coping mechanisms. So I thought I would share some, because what's not to love about someone else condescendingly telling you how you should live your life?
In this post, I'm going to focus on my personal favorite of the coping mechanisms I employ.
And it is simply this:

Establish A Nest 

This is something I firmly believe in, and honestly try to do wherever I am. WHEREVER I AM. That includes your house. No, I do not have shame.

Here are the steps:

1) Amass a surplus of pillows and congregate your new friends in one designated area. Hug each to establish loyalty as you place them strategically in this chosen location.

2) Hire at least two quilts and three supplemental blankets to create maximum soft and squishy.
Apply to pillowed area and negotiate a kinship between them.

3) Assign a spot for the preferred technological needs. Provide access to charging station nearby (it's only polite). Headphones are helpful, since the nest is a personal experience that should not be interrupted by mundane "important real life" things.

4) Ensure there is ample food nearby at all times. This is very important. Snacking options must be available at all times, and require little to no effort to obtain and consume.

5)  If inclined. solicit cuddles from an outside source.  But not people. People are gross.
...Well maybe a person, but they have to abide by all nest rules and regulations. Preferably an inanimate object that will love you unconditionally due to the properly forced commitment aspect of the situation. In my case, this is a stuffed walrus named Wallace.
Or for more social nesting, interview potential feline--or other slightly less nest-broken creatures of your choice--applicants and come to a professional understanding.

6)  Treat nest with ultimate respect. It selflessly serves you and deserves your utmost gratitude.

7) Nest is a sacred sanctuary you escape to. Do not wear out nest by simply moving in and living daily. You must savor the nest. Use it as necessary, but do not be over-indulgent.

8) Where full nesting opportunities are scarce or "inappropriate" (according to the aforementioned gross people) a single quilt and blanket should be requested as a bare minimum.

So now you know the steps/rules. Do as the birds do. Go forth and nest!

Please, nest responsibly.

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